I am being so NOT politically correct today. Long humor post that will probably offend some men out there and a recipe whose name will probably offend others. But if you read my blog regularly, you know that for me political incorrectness and “anything for a laugh” are my trademarks :-D. On that note, remember that I lurves you all 😛
His And Her Housecleaning-
As you read this keep three words in mind please; TONGUE IN CHEEK!!!
How to clean the kitchen…her way.
Start at the top because it makes no sense to clean upwards…everyone knows that. Clean the shelves where you store things and dust and windex all the little knick knacks until they are glittering enough to make an ADHD person stop and say “oooo, shiny things!”
Clean the counters and other surfaces with a steaming hot soapy rag making sure to lift up things on the counter to get the nasties trying to hide under and behind them… germs…ugh!!
Get the Clorox wipes and re-wipe everything after thoroughly drying the counter…germs…UGH!
Look into the cabinets and see how the flour has spilled onto the shelves some. Take the flour out to wipe up the spill and then notice that other things look disorganized and think that there is no way you can cook in a kitchen like that. Take everything out of the one cabinet and straighten it out, again using the Clorox wipes. Get thoroughly grossed out when you find a piece of old stale bread that has somehow gotten shoved to the back of the cabinet. Gag a little as you throw it out.
Notice how nice that cabinet now looks in comparison to the others and with a happy OCD sigh start on the other cabinets, whistling as you alphabetize the spices and make sure all the cans are grouped by food category.
Clean out microwave using boiling water/vinegar method also making sure to move microwave to get anything trapped underneath.
Clean kitchen window, inside and out, cleaning any fingerprints and marks in the door also.
That done, get out mop bucket. Fill with water that is about half a degree away from boiling. Put in enough Pine-Sol and disinfectant to scare away any germs within a 45 mile radius. Mop floor…twice. Then get out floor wax and on hands and knees, cover every inch of the floor in a shiny coating making sure to wipe down baseboards as you work.
Open refrigerator with trepidation because you never know what new mess you will find in there. Take everything out, throwing out anything past it’s date or that looks as if it could be an experiment for Dr. Frankenstein (or is that franc-en-steen?). Clean off the shelves with diluted bleach water, again steaming hot. Sigh as you wonder why your kids have opened 3 different containers of mayo and 4 of the same type of jam. Put everything back in, making sure to put the oldest near the front in the vain hope that it will get used first.
Finally done, reward yourself with a cup of hot tea and something chocolate. Relax….for five minutes…until the kids enter the kitchen and ruin everything you just finished. Start over.
His way….assuming he doesn’t live with a woman.
Go into the kitchen to get a beer. Notice that to get to the refrigerator, you had to navigate past three full trash bags and a sticky floor stain that you are pretty sure is from when your bud Joe got sick last week after too many brews and nachos. Damn, you thought you had cleaned that. Lean down and inspect it a little closer and think to yourself that Joe really needs to chew his food better; that had to have hurt coming up.
Decide maybe you should do something about the kitchen. Women like a clean man so if you can brag about your spotless kitchen, you may have a better chance of getting laid by that chick at the office with the big knockers.
Search for 30 minutes for the cleaning supplies finally finding a dusty bottle of Windex, some rags and some Mr. Clean under the kitchen sink from the last time your mother cleaned up the apartment for you. Wonder where the hell all those pots and pans under your sink came from and what you’re supposed to do with them; doesn’t everyone order food in every night? Look at the picture of Mr. Clean and think he has nothing on your buff body. Do some poses for a few minutes in comparison then get to work.
Take the trash outside to the dumpster. Come back in breathing heavy and tell yourself you have to start going back to the gym. Get out a beer from the fridge, recoiling at the stench and sit down in front of ESPN Sportscenter for a few minutes… that was hard-ass work and you deserve a break.
Finish the beer and go back into the kitchen after taking a leak and doing some more Mr. Clean poses in front of the bathroom mirror.
Get the rags and the Windex and spray about half a bottle on the counter figuring more is better. Sop it up with the rags not bothering to move any of the crap on the counter; you’ll toss that crap in a new trash bag when you’re done with the smelly spray stuff. Sneeze a few times cause of the ammonia smell and wipe your hands on your jeans after looking at the snot on your palm.
Take the now dripping smelly goop covered rags over to the microwave cause you figure nows the time to clean it too since the door has to be pulled with brute force just to get it open cause it’s sticky as all hell. Wipe the insides out with the rags laughing a little as you remember when you and the guys blew up one of those little plastic cans of beans in there a few months back cause you forgot to take the lid off. Clean up the beans still stuck to the inside top of the microwave and wonder if that’s what fell into your TV dinner a couple nights ago. Oh well, who cares? It tasted fine.
Figure that now that the rest of the kitchen looks so damn good, you should do the fridge and the floor. Damn, that girl at work is gonna fall all over you when you tell her what a housekeeping god you are!
Get one of those pots from under the sink…least they’re good for something anyway and fill it partway with cold water and then dump the rest of the Windex in there. Go get the mop from your deck where you were using it as a field hockey stick one night about a year ago to try to make beer cans fly over to the dumpster.
Dunk the mop into the pot and slop it all over the floor. Work on the puke stain for a bit. When it doesn’t come up, figure at least it looks like clean throw up now and leave it. You’re getting tired; you can always buy one of those girly rugs to cover the spot. That’ll just add to your housekeeping/decorating god status.
Finish the floor. Use the mop to have an imaginary sword fight with someone, flinging filthy water all over the counters you “cleaned”.
Open the fridge and recoil from the stench again. Find some Chinese take out from last week and sit down and have a bite to eat, scooping away the crusty parts. Set the container on the counter when you are done and toss the plastic fork in the sink.
Go back to the still open refrigerator. Take out a…a…a… something green and hard and smell it. Realize it isn’t the source of the smell and toss it in the garbage scoring two points for the free throw. Dig around a little, moving the mayo jar with no lid, the 12 take out containers, 4 McDonalds bags, 36 beers and that tofu your last girlfriend left there in ’05 to the side.
Finally, near the back, you find a slimy dripping piece of what you think used to be KFC. Smell it, realize you have found the source of the smell and start to throw it out. Change your mind with an evil grin thinking you will hold on to it until this weekend when Joe comes over to watch the game. Figure you’ll let him have a few brews then offer him a snack… this should be classic! Wrap it up in foil so at least it won’t reek anymore. Wipe your now windexed, beaned and slimed hands on your jeans. Look around the kitchen and feel proud of yourself and mentally leer at the cleavage of “office girl” as you imagine her nude on your kitchen counter. Get another beer, leave the kitchen and go watch TV. Repeat in six months.
White Trash Dip
- 1 15 ounce can of your favorite chili
- 2 8 ounce packages cream cheese, softened
- 2 cups sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
- 1 lb bacon, cooked and crumbled
- 4 green onions
- 1 teaspoon ground chipotle pepper for garnish
- Tostito Artisan Fire Roasted Chipotle Tortilla Chips or Tostito Artisan Black bean and Garlic Tortilla Chips
- Heat oven to 350.
- Mix all but the chipotle pepper together in a large bowl.
- Spoon into a 2 quart baking dish and cook at 350 until golden and bubbly, about 20 minutes.
- Sprinkle with the chipotle pepper.
- Serve with chips and/or thinly sliced baguette (add a little French flair to your white trash 😛 )
…I resemble that remark…
Which is why you’re married to ME 😀
“Damn, that girl at work is gonna fall all over you when you tell her what a housekeeping god you are!” Absolute favorite line! And those white trash people know some tasty food. I had a spam argument with a friend last night..made me think of that lol
Heh. Glad you liked my weirdness 😛
And Spam is awesome….in limited amounts
Ive only had it once and it tasted like cat food..he swears that the bacon spam is better…im scared to even try
It is better but then again Like regular Spam so I may not be the best person to ask *grins*
LOL! I have heard that men are like this – but my man IS a cleaning God! We had folks over for dinner tonight and while I cooked…he cleaned both bathrooms!
He does more than his fair share of housework – which is great. Because I don’t like it! ….and he’s cute! I’m keeping him!
yay for getting one of the good ones! *high fives you 😛 Mine is kind a slob but no where near this bad lol. Plus, he’s awfully cute too so yeah, I guess I’ll keep him 😀
Hilarious post! Being from Hawaii – I also love SPAM. (Pan fried and crispy please!) I remember the first time I tried a dip like this- this boy had moved to Hawaii from Texas and his mom had made it. Everyone was in awe- we all had never had something like it and could not stop eatting it! This looks like a fancy version of the one I tried in the 5th grade. =)
Tell me you’ve seen the Monty Python skit “Spam And Eggs”. If not, you have GOT to look it up 😀 And yeah this is a prettied up version of a basic “let’s eat more sodium than we need in a year and make kids love us” sort of a dip :-p
Damn Girl! If you clean a kitchen like that then come on down to my kitchen. I keep my kitchen clean but that flour in the cupboard might turn into a biscuit before either of us “see” it, and I thought baseboards were suppose to be dusty! However, I do love those Clorox wipes. Loved the blog!
I DO clean like that… in my dreams of being the perfect mother and housewife 😛
Glad you liked the post 😀
I’m the polar opposite. I HATE housework with a vengeance. If I win the lottery, the first thing I’m doing is hiring a maid!
Well, I wouldn’t turn down a maid myself lol. I don’t LIKE housework, I just like a messy house even less
I am sure all men think that we are clean freaks. I always get this look when I comment on things my hubby puts on the kitchen counter which I consider inappropriate-such as a nasty cooler that has sat in the dirt and god knows where else.
When I was made, the clean gene was included. However some people, genetically, don’t have it-so sad.
I am with you on the counter thing. My husband and kids will put anything and everything on there…. plus on the bookcases in the living room like they are storage bins lol. Drives me batty.
Hilarious! Love the post so I must have a similar sense of humor.
Hey Eliot! Glad you like my weird sense of humor and even more glad to know I’m not the only warped soul out there 😀
ahahahhaha. thank god my boyfriend was never like that! We live together and sometimes I wonder if he is a little more OCD than me when it comes it things being clean and organized. When I lived with my parents it was the 100 different mustards and salad dressings that my mom and I always wondered why everyone kept opening new ones! This was fun to read with my morning coffee. Love your blog too 🙂
Hi Brianne! Glad you’re enjoying the blog. 🙂 And I completely know what you mean about the 100 things opened. In our house, it will be 100 different jams. One boy will want one flavor and open it even though 300 jars are in the fridge, including the one he wanted but was too lazy to search for lol
I can only imagine the hilarious things you leave out of your posts!
Not so much hilarious as maybe so politically not correct I’d lose readers 😛
No need for political correctness here! 🙂 Loved reading through the his/her cleaning. Super funny! The dip looks delicious…right up my alley! 🙂
Hi Megan! Glad you liked the post. And hope you like the dip 😀
HAHA! Love your humor – if we can’t have fun, what is the point! Great dip recipe too.
Thanks Chelsea! Loving my humor makes my day. 😀
Bwha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…….(*wipes a tear from her eye*) As a woman with a 15 year old boy now officially done school…my house resembles the later description….along with the frustration of the OCD type of cleaning….you speak such truths my friend, such truths. The dip looks fantastic!
Tell me about it. I have six kids; three left at home, two of whom are teen boys, one of whom is a messy toddler. I think I clean the same 345 things every day…. over and over and over. 😛
Loving your food and your sense of humour. Congratulations on the No.1 spot today! Right, where’s the mop? I’m off to clean my kitchen.
Thanks Hester! And the mop is over there in the corner…. go get ’em tiger! 😛
Love this post- and this dip sounds like the bomb.com!!
Thanks Deborah! 🙂
This dip looks very rich and yummy. I love bacon in anything. Mmmmm. Congrats on making Top 9 on Foodbuzz. : )
Thanks so much. 🙂
The dip sounds delicious – and I love the his/her cleaning =)
Thanks Peggy 🙂
Love this post! My hubby isn’t a slob…but I have been to my son’s college apartment which he shared with 3 other 20-somethings. You don’t want to hear about what their toilet looked like 🙂
Hey Liz! *shudders* I can only imagine. I have five boys so I’ve seen toooooo much filth lol
haha thanks for the laughs! I sure did need that this morning. My fiancee is not nearly as bad as the man you described, but the whole using half a bottle of windex sounds like him. I once asked him to clean the windows in our apartment and he used half the bottle for 3 windows! And he left streaks! ughh streaks on a clean window or mirror really bug me. But at least he cleans the toilet for me! 🙂
Have a great day!
If he cleans the toilet, hang on to that man!! 😛
Oh that looks SO good…love the name and the political incorrect-ness! Mmmm!
Thanks Hilary. If you like gooey cheese you’ll love this! As for the political incorrectness…I have no defense 😀
So glad to see another chipotle chip fan. I think those are the best chips on the market today! I can’t wait to try your dip. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Katie. I agree; those chips are awesome. I’m not a huge chip fan and don’t eat them often but I definitely go to those when I AM wanting some 🙂
LOVE IT!!! Hahaha great post!
Thanks Natalie! 😀
My bday party 2 years ago was a ‘white trash’ theme. Totally offended some, but for those who knew it was a joke, it was REAL fun. Box wine, hostess twinkie cake, THIS dip!!! So fun!
Hi Julia! Sounds like it was an awesome party!
Love your blog. Love your recipe for â€œWhite Trash Dip.â€ I make something very similar but since I donâ€™t like cream cheese or any of that kind of stuff, I make it with Cheez Whiz. Câ€™monâ€¦ Cheez Whiz is part of the 4 major food groupsâ€¦ just like beer.
If you want to â€˜kick it up a notch,â€™ I sometimes use something called Ring Of Fire. I get it from a place called Peppers of Key West. Iâ€™m a wimp, I use their â€œChile Sauce.â€
Though Iâ€™m not Mr. Clean, I can sympathize with you. Iâ€™m sort of a combination of Mr. Mom, Alton Brown and Norm Abrams. I do 98 percent of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and all of the maintenance and renovation projects.
My wife likes to feel helpful in the kitchen so I let her empty the dishwasherâ€¦. once in a while. A few hours later, however, I usually wind up putting away all of the stuff she removed from the dishwasher and left on the counter: Otherwise theyâ€™d be there for days.
Iâ€™m sure you can imagine my reaction the first time she put a $200 rosewood handled Lamson Sharp chefâ€™s knife into the dishwasherâ€¦ and itâ€™s â€œBuckaroo Banzai Across The Eight Dimension!!!â€
Oh, by the way, in your search for â€˜political correctnessâ€¦ or not, just remember this, â€œPolitical correctness is simply a speed bump in the traffic of truth, free thought and speech.â€
Hi Christopher! Love the quote there at the end. Amen to that one! Oh my Lord on the knife! I have only ONE good knife and I protect it with my life lol
And of course cheese whiz fits into the major food groups. Right along with Cheetos and Twinkies! They are all needed for healthy emotional growth 😀
Hi Jan; Iâ€™ve worked with two knives for most of my life. I waited a lifetime for the good ones. I still only use one or twoâ€¦ most of the time.
You forgot an essential foodâ€¦ Beer! Did you know that Guinness is the only beer thatâ€™s listed as a food? â€œHelps build strong bodies 12 ways.â€ Or is that Wonder Bread? Whatever. Both are my favorites.
And as far as â€œHealthy emotional growth is concerned,â€ you forgot grapes. Benjamin Franklin once said, â€œWine is proof that God wants us to be happy.â€
[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.
Ahh, you make good points. I can live without beer for the most part but nobody better mess with my stomped on grapes 😀 You can keep the Guinness. I’ll get my vitamins and minerals from Twinkies and Cheetos 😛 Have a great day and God bless
Too funny but so true! 🙂
Yep…. unfortunately 😛
I tried to chuckle throughout your cleaning experience, but I grew sadder by the minute. Clorox, Mr. Clean, Windex, Pine Sol — YIKES!!!!! By the end of your cleaning adventure, you have totally mastered How to Make Your Home as Toxic As Possible. Sorry to be so direct! Your efforts were definitely well intentioned, and should I add comical, but the consequences of using all those toxic products will do more harm than most of the germs you wiped up. Washing everything down with beer would have been safer!
Erhmmmm… Patricia… no offense but it was tongue in cheek not serious 🙂
I was so curious about this post when I saw the title. No where near as bad as I expected but…. LOL
Lol! this is why I gave the qualifier of offending some men. 😀
love the name of this dip, lol! as my husband likes to say, there is a little bit of white trash in everyone… so when someone eats this dip, it’ll be literally the case 😀
LOL! Good point
i thought the recipe was: spread the cream cheese on the bottom of the dish, cover with chili and then top with cheese. we’ve been serving this for years and the kids love it. . .be careful–the cheese can burn your mouth if you don’t wait abit. . .
Yeah, the one I found in the Paula Deen cookbook was done that way but I can never stick to recipes 😛 I renamed it myself because it seemed fitting and then revamped it too lol.
LOL too funny, I had a good laugh but reading the dip recipe after the man cleaning part made me feel a bit ill! I kept visualizing the icky green thing in the tin foil, eek!
*Grins* Umm…oops? 😛
My BF isnt that bad but I wonder if its only because I live with him – Im 99% sure he has no idea what the Clorox is for…
This dip makes my inner fatkid hungry!
Let out your inner fat kid… she needs air ;-D
Your post is pretty much on par.
Lol…. sad huh Lori? 😛
I just peed my pants from laughing — do you know my husband? Because I think you’ve watched him clean the kitchen before. I love him, but WOW can he NOT clean to my standards…glad to know I’m not the only one!
And that dip? That’s my kinda snack….Theresa
No pants peeing… I have no “Depends” to offer you and I’d feel horrible guilty if you made your desk chair smell funny 😛